Today the 1st time in my entire life i feel that i have really lost my will to do anything. I feel so depressed so low in my life that i may not be the same anymore. Don't expect me to be happy or even smile any time soon. God i really feel like crying right now. I have fall so hard this time round. I can't believe I have let this stupid heart of mine control me that this happens. I can't believe I was so stupid.

I am so angry with myself. Of course what was i thinking!! She only regarded me as a friend, why did i fall and had feelings for her. I was there when she was at her lowest. She had major problems with the ex and needed a friend to confide to and comfort her. I was there giving her all the strength and trying to muster her courage that she need to carry on her life filled with problems.

Once her problems subsided we got really close. We msg and talked everyday and shared almost everything together. There were also the frequent meet-ups and we were happy. We got closer and the way we talked got more manje as it progresses. But i never told her that i liked her which my friends believe really cost me eventually. I planned to ask her out on a proper date on a saturday and there I tell her how i really feels about her. But something happened.

On the weekends she always go back kampong so i asked her if its okay if the next weekend she can not go kampong and go out wif me instead. She didn't reply. I waited till the next day and text her again n still no reply. And again the next day I asked what is bothering her till she doesn't even reply me. She said its nothing dun worry. I asked her then why the silence. She said she wanted a peace of mind.

Since that day a cold war broke out. I didn't talk to her. She didn't talk to me. Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore so i tried texting her asking her again what is going on and stuffs. Even that had no reply. I wanted to get to the bottom of it so i text her again. This time she replies she's sorry and she's caught up with things happening in her life. And she appreciates all that i have done for her. Not to worry about her because she's ok. Seeing someone who really understands and takes care of her all the time. Anything msg me kay. The highlighted part freaked me out. Is she referring to me or some other guy? I asked a friend he said she was referring to me 100% so I took his word.

At least she replied so I thought maybe we could start things out again. So today i text her asking how was her day. I waited and she didn't reply. Initially I didn't felt so bad because okay maybe need to give her time and all so no biggie. Then I found out big time. There is another guy! She already went out with him on the day that I wanted to bring her out. On top of that she wore makeup on that day which she rarely wore any. That showed that she really likes the guy and wants to look her best. The guy also shows lots of interest or just want to suck up by complementing how beautiful she looks again and again.

Finally all the question marks in my head are piecing up together. But probably one just remains, where the hell did this guy come from? Can't be in just one week she found someone else. Or has she been keeping it silent from me and I was too blinded to see it even when we were having our happy moments?

My god why is this happening to me? I know this is takdir and is fated to happen but why me? I am the good guy over here. I have even tried my hardest to bring myself closer to god trying to become a better Muslim. I took this quote from someone else's blog: Allah s.w.t does not gives us more than what we can handle. But i really feel that what had happened here is really more than I can handle. I have never felt so hearthbroken so badly that I have lost my energy and my will. I can't even go to sleep right now and its what 3am. Its been so long since i stayed up this late alone still typing on this laptop.

God please give me the strength and guidance that I need to claw myself out of this predicament. I want my life back. Now I feel so lifeless. Im like a walking skeleton with no feelings. I feel so weak. I need my friends to bring out the person that I am. Please don't desert me now.

As for you Im writing this post to: I really thought that this time it can work out between me and you. I still don't know why you did this to me. Atleast tell me earlier so I won't be so devastated. What was so hard to tell me the thruth? You told me you were my friend, why must you torture me like this till I found out for myself what was actually going on. I really really don't know what to do now. Do I let you go? Is that what you want? And who is that guy?? Just because he said you are beautiful a few times and you fall for him? I already told you the very first time I saw you I said you were beautiful. That has to meant more that his pity "soo....beautiful" "ur so beautiful". Lastly whatever happens here on. I will always remember you for the person you are. I may have lighted up your life but so have you. You have always entertained me for who I really am and I love to make you happy and see you smile.

If our path does crosses again I will sincerely take you up because I have never felt this way towards anyone else. Eventhough all these have happened I will never stop liking you. I wouldn't say that I hope you be happy with this guy because thats plain stupid. But whatever happens I do hope that you will be happy and if you ever wanted how things were before than I'll be more than happier to grant you that wish.

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